My Life to Age 19

Being alone was always my thing

By Gina

My name is Gina, I'm 19 years old and I have all of the listed characteristics of an HSP. Ever since I was little I always believed there was something wrong with me. I didn't have any friends through elementary school. I only had one best friend..and she was in the grade above me..so in school I never saw her, but she lived next door to me..which is what kept us close. So in school at recess I sat by myself.. whether it was on the bench outside on the playground, or in the corner in the gymnasium. I sat alone and watched the other kids play and have fun. It didn't bother me though, I liked observing and thinking.

The teachers or lunch-aids would always come over and try talking to me or try to get me to play something, and though I didn't have much to say.. if it was something simple like playing catch with them or shooting a basketball a few times.. I would do it just to make them happy. On the other hand if it was a group thing..I would politely say "Its ok, Im fine here".

When I started Jr. High it was kind of overwhelming. I wasn't with the same group of people anymore... there were more kids..different kids. And i wasnt cool enough for any of them. (in my mind of course). I started trying to talk to people as the first year progressed. I ended up having a few people I would talk to, just so I would seem normal and outgoing. I didnt want anyone to think I was weird. Although I never had much to say to them either.

I ended up having a "boyfriend" that year. Although I would hardly call him that now. The only time I really talked to him was on AIM...instant messaging on the computer. And in school I would try to avoid him as much as possible. Every day at the end of 8th period..I remember.. I would get this tossing and turning feeling in my stomach because I knew he would be out there waiting for me... and I would have to "hug" him. Yes.. hugging was a big thing in middle school apparently. Anyways, I dreaded it. Eventually he moved on from me to some other girl. And I was only a little upset..mostly relieved.

Then this one girl I was friends with some how got me to dress like her...all black every day. I started getting skinnier because this one kid called me fat and told me that my uncle was Osama bin laden and that he's locked in my basement. I still remember it and still really dont like that kid because of it. I was never actually fat. I was probably normal weight for my height and age.. but I got a little thinner and teachers were getting concerned and called my mom.

This was just recently I found out that they called her and wanted to put me in this group type thing... where everyone talks about their feelings and what not.. and my mom told her it would only make things worse for me.. because I would be listening to these kids talking about their bad lives and would feel for them.. and it would affect me greatly..and just make things worse for me.

Thats what she told them.. and wow was my mother right. I cannot imagine myself being in that group. Im very glad that my mom knows me so well.

-I graduated from highschool last year..and still dont know what I want to do in life.
-I love to draw..and paint.
-I love movies.

Being alone was always my thing. As a baby my mom would leave me in my play pen by myself while she was busy with my older brother and sister. And I was fine. She said I was good at entertaining myself.

My sister and brother both have road rage..like extremely. So when my sister or brother freak out in the car (my sister especially) it makes me very uncomfortable and puts me in the worst mood. I hate it. And when I have to ask her for a ride somewhere.. I try and find the nicest possible way to ask because I know how she reacts to certain ways of talking.

Also when she blasts music in the car while traveling at pretty high speeds... I get anxiety like you wouldn't believe. Or if Im just in a room when its loud I cant take it. When I see a cluttered area ..I declutter it. Even if its just organizing everything neatly ..to make it more spaceish.

When it comes to going out somewhere .. I always feel like afterwards its alright for me to take some quiet time...... Like I feel guilty for relaxing at home by myself.. so I'll go somewhere with a few people even if I didnt really want to in the first place..just to feel normal..and then say "alright..its ok if you just chill for a while... you went out and had fun, you do that...you are normal like that..time to just relax."

Or situations like today... I slept over at my sister's house and had a full day of the pool..with her friends and one of my friends..then mostly everyone left ..and it was my sister.. and one of her friends. My brother needed help shopping for clothes..so we went to help him.. Anyway it was a long day of socializing.

So when I got home..it felt good once I unloaded all my stuff and settled down. It really feels so good to just be home. And sometimes I still feel like its not normal for a 19 year old girl to be feeling this way. I feel like an old woman or something.

Oh, in my highschool classes they put me in this program where for all my general classes..it was always the same group of kids, and it wasnt that many at all... just about 10 or 12 including me... it wasnt as overwhelming..and therefore I did better.

I cry a lot. And thats an understatement. A lot of this is hard to explain in words for me..I can feel other people's pain and sorrows. Even in movies its more touching for me..because i think about "what they're thinking and how they're feeling" ..and it puts me there in their position..end result - me in a puddle of tears.

-When other people cry, I cry. simple as that... when other people get glossy eyes.. i get glossy eyes or cry.
-When I make up sad scenarios in my head that havent really happened..I cry.
-When I dwell on things I cry....sometimes things that happened years ago.. still I cry...and I dwell A LOT

Its hard for me to act very positive and outgoing because its not normal for me. These days i have one friend who has been my best friend since she moved next door. And she is quiet just like me..so i guess thats why its easy for us to be friends.

I had a boyfriend of 2 years....it lasted that long because i didnt want to hurt him. I ended up being a people-pleaser in this situation. I would tell him things that I knew he wanted to hear...even though I didnt feel the same way -- long story short.

-I love animals......I saved 7 bugs today from the pool.
-Those animal shelter commericals break my heart.
-I love looking out my window and just staring outside at our trees and the squirrels... birds..etc.
-I love to think of how God created our earth ..and the purpose..and reasons of each animal and plant...and us, people.

-I think into things....I always get told "you're thinking into it too much.."
-I always notice if something is new on my body..like a marking of some sort..or a bump..and my mom calls me a hypochondriac.

Well, I just wanted to say that I really am relieved at the fact that there are others like me.

-Gina

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Highly Sensitive People

My Life to Age 19

Being alone was always my thing

By Gina